To love and be loved

Magic: The love in the eyes of my son as he bought me water, a get well note, and then tucked me into my blanket. 

Every women should know the love of a son. Every women should see the men in her life as she see's her son. The birth of my son 6 years ago forever changed the person I was. It soften me. Men are amazing misunderstood creatures. They love and connect so deeply that they often build walls to keep from being hurt. They are shaped and damaged by ideas and expectations of those those should love them most. Mothers, wives, daughters and sister were created shape and nurture the people around us. It is up to us whether those around us are shaped into positive beings. The ability to nurture is more powerful than we could ever imagine as we can shape the world with just a smile. 

Today I am thankful to my son for teaching me how to love and be loved. 

Hopes that become Possibilities

Divorce stinks. It tears you apart and rips you into nothing. At times it feels as if you are going to burn to nothing and then at others as if you are downing in the deepest well known to man. It destroys you emotional, spiritually, physically, and financially.  Within all the separation and heartache we often forget that the true victims are the children that are often silently effected. They are powerless and often absorb all the feelings and emotions that are passed between the adults closest to them. All to often they completely blame themselves for their families breaking apart.
All of these feeling are amplified and complicated in LDS or Mormon families where children are taught that families are forever. The divorce no longer impacts this childhood but instead impacts the eternities. This shakes their very moral compass as they no longer know where they fit into an eternal scheme of things. They question every principle they have been taught.

The magic of this day was watching one of my daughters speak in our ward Sacrament meeting this morning. To see her smiling and teaching the principles that she had let go of not so long ago. Watching my daughter develop her own testimony and belief system over the last little while has given me hope that all my children will be able to overcome the feelings and insecurities they have developed in this process of divorce. My most sincere prayer is that my children may have the opportunity to live healthy lives and have healthy relationships with others. Today was the first time I could see that hope become a possibility.  

Bikes and Blessing

Yesterday was a frustrating day. Trying to fix bikes with random tools and the strength of a weak women is clearly not an idea situation. I don't often give up on anything, but in the overwhelming mess of tools and children I quietly began to sob as I tried my best to put the bike back to the place where I had begun. As we started out on our new nightly route bike ride, I posted on facebook that I needed a guy and tools. My heart aches for a companion and helpmate. I long for someone to love, someone that wants and loves me back.

The Magic of this day is that one of my brothers who I rarely see stopped by to see if another bother was here. On his way in he noticed that my bikes brakes were too loose. I told him I didn't know how to fix it. He offered to do it for me. I told him about Nate's chain and how it kept falling off during our rides. My brother quickly fixed both bikes. As soon as he left I broke into a sobbing thankful mess. I want a husband, instead I got a brother. It was just a simple reminder that my Father in Heaven is mindful of my needs and is taking care of me.

Throughout my life God has not only given me the things I needed but also the things I waned. These wants were not always given in a form that I had expected but in the end they have always fit into my life better than I could have ever imagined. It is all about patients with the Lords timing, faith, and humility to except what the Lord is offering. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who knows me better than I know myself. I am so thankful for the everyday tender mercies He shows me. (facebook post from yesterday)

Sometimes it hard to see the Lords hand in our lives when he is not giving us the exact things we want. Today He gave me the thing I needed. I am humbled and grateful for His ever present hand in my life.