The Love of My Life

I have caught the sick my kids had and been incredibly ill today. As I was sitting in a daze my son came up to me. He started to softly brush the hair from my face and kiss my forehead. While he was doing this I began to think about how if I ever find a love, it should be someone who loves me softly, gently, and with his whole heart. I have left every expectation for a companion go, but not this one thing. Not the expectation love.

As Nathan pulled away he said "Mom, I'm the only one who loves you this much." He is right.  I am so thankful for the magic of a little boy who is teaching me what love is. He has made me a better person and mother. He makes my everydays better.

Back To Mom

For the past few weeks I have been wondering if I really ever wanted to remarry. I have been thinking it may be best to simply stop looking and settle into a solitary life here in my very small town. It seems less complicated, less painful to just be secure in who I am alone, without the heartache that trying to create a companionship would enviable bring.

Many of my friends are males. I seem to more easily relate to guys. I think because I have 8 brothers and my brain just seems to be more comfortable with the why men think.

I was talking to one of these male friends (my hit and run guy) on the phone the other day. My son loves to talk to him and always asks if he can. It is usually a quick Hi, and then the phase "Back to Mom" with the phone shoved quickly back into my face. This day however was different. My friend asked if my son would like to talk to him. My son said yes and grabbed the phone from me. He started talking, telling stories, hopes, fears, and triumphs. He talked about school and his bike. He went on and on, I could hardly believe all the things inside my sons head that he could somehow only share with another man who cared about him.

As I laid there next to my son quietly listening to the innocent conversation I began to softly cry. This is what I wanted for my son. I wanted a sense of family. Quiet nights and long conversations. A male who would take an interest in his life.

I wanted to be married. In that moment all the hard in my heart began to melt and vulnerability took it's place, just like magic.

*approved by my hit and run guy

Everything I Am

Sundays are an interesting day for me. I spend my Sacrament meeting managing my children. Following Sacrament meeting I spend the next two hours managing more children as I serve in the Primary. So I am always very thankful for choice bits of truth that pierce deeply into my heart.
I have already posted this on facebook so this is just a little more of the story.
As I sat in the chapel while the Sacrament was being passed a soft awareness come into my heart. A childhood friend that I haven't seen in some time was visiting our ward, as I sat there I realized that I was not different than I was as a teen or even as I was 3 years ago. I am simply and completely a child of God. He does not see me as married or divorced, old or young, strong or week. He simply sees me, His daughter.

In this life we will never know who we are until we learn to see ourselves through the eyes of our Heavenly Father. It is only at this point that the whole world opens to us and we not only see ourselves for who we truly are, but we also see those around us for who they truly are. Although I have understood parts of this concept for some time it is still difficult for me to implement into my own life, however I know that this is a process. I am slowly and surely being rewritten.

The Man I Adore.

There are many people who walk into and out of ours lives, but every once in a while someone walks into our lives that stops the world. Someone that brings hope and makes you rethink everything you know.  Sometimes this stop is sudden, sometimes it is soft and slow.

There is a man that I have known from the time that I was a girl. He has always been kind and important to me. I have slowly come to love and respect him through the years. I have always known that he was a good man.

I few years ago he lost his wife to illness. I watched him slowly fade into a lonely place as he missed the women he had loved dearly. His eyes became sad. His smiles were forced and full of sadness. His hugs were sincere yet empty. It was absolutely heartbreaking to watch his heart and body slowly die. I watched this father figure slip into a soft state of lost.

Then one day like magic a women seemed to float into his life. It was as if the sun had risen on him once again. He was new again. His smile was brighten through the power of a new love. The whole thing seems miraculous as every Sunday when church is over he seeks out his irreplaceable love. His face is brighter than I have ever known it to be. He smiles with a new kind of goofy abandonment. Love bring life, it brings hope, it brings change.

There is a part of myself, in fact all of myself that questions whether I will ever know that kind of love. However the fact that this dear man has found it means that it exists. It means that someone has found it. This new love brings comfort to me each time I see it. This love was truly a miracle and tender mercy of the Lord that I am so thankful to witness each Sunday.

"The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being." ~Tom Robbins 

Glass House

Somehow every time I feel as if I have a handle on my new life it somehow shifts and a new degrade seems to wash over me as the cold waves on the northern Californian coast wash over the deep rocks on the ocean floor. I feel heartbroken all over again with each wave. The shift always reminds me that I am incapable of standing on my own two feet and that only the Lord can support me as I try my best to keep my footing without sinking into a fear of the utter unknown. 

This time the shift is somehow different. It is as if I am standing in a house with thick glass walls. I can see the turmoil of my life raging outside the house, I even fear it. Yet it is on the outside unable to reach me. I think this is called faith. Faith that everything will crumble around me, but I will still stand tall. I am not sure how to function, pay my bills, put gas in my car or feed my kids, but I know the Lord will provide for my needs as I solitary stand tall on this earth with all the powers of Heaven beneath my feet. Whatever happens when the earthquake has quieted and the waves recede I know where I stand and whom I stand with. 

Selfless Identity

There is a bit of magic in the watching of those you care for fall in and out of love. I have coming to understand that I would prefer to feel heartache and illness than to witness those I care for experience it. 

There was a talk in the last general conference that spoke on being at the foot of another's cross when you are not on your own person cross. (I can't find it, but I am sure I didn't imagine it :) At the time the thought of that felt absolutely overwhelming. I am so tired of feeling pain and stress. I just wanted to run from it and never look back. I now understand the strength that is bought into your life when you support others in need. It is easy to love another when they have loved you so kindly.  It is easy to support another, when Christ has so easily supported me. Selflessness and service are key to understanding who we are and who Christ would have us become.  Christ gave his whole life for us.  He was selfless, humble, and charitable.  If our goal is to be like Him, we must learn to give ourselves to those around us selflessly without losing our identity. 

So how do we lose ourselves without losing our identity?  

Just a Day

Not a lot of magic today. Mostly just the everyday living of life. Susan's mother came from Idaho this evening so I have deposited her with her mother in her new house. In many ways I am sad to not be caring for her.
The last week has been very hard. I have made some pretty big changes and there are somethings that will be change soon that will make my life very difficult. Somehow the stress of those changes seem to be on the over side of the glass, as if they can not touch me.

Today I have had a friend on my mind that I haven't talked to for a few months. He would always tell me nice things. He would say, "You are strong" and "You are enough". They seemed like such small things at the time, but have become something I have very much miss.

I am very thankful for good friends. I feel very blessed to have people who care for me.

To love and be loved

Magic: The love in the eyes of my son as he bought me water, a get well note, and then tucked me into my blanket. 

Every women should know the love of a son. Every women should see the men in her life as she see's her son. The birth of my son 6 years ago forever changed the person I was. It soften me. Men are amazing misunderstood creatures. They love and connect so deeply that they often build walls to keep from being hurt. They are shaped and damaged by ideas and expectations of those those should love them most. Mothers, wives, daughters and sister were created shape and nurture the people around us. It is up to us whether those around us are shaped into positive beings. The ability to nurture is more powerful than we could ever imagine as we can shape the world with just a smile. 

Today I am thankful to my son for teaching me how to love and be loved. 

Hopes that become Possibilities

Divorce stinks. It tears you apart and rips you into nothing. At times it feels as if you are going to burn to nothing and then at others as if you are downing in the deepest well known to man. It destroys you emotional, spiritually, physically, and financially.  Within all the separation and heartache we often forget that the true victims are the children that are often silently effected. They are powerless and often absorb all the feelings and emotions that are passed between the adults closest to them. All to often they completely blame themselves for their families breaking apart.
All of these feeling are amplified and complicated in LDS or Mormon families where children are taught that families are forever. The divorce no longer impacts this childhood but instead impacts the eternities. This shakes their very moral compass as they no longer know where they fit into an eternal scheme of things. They question every principle they have been taught.

The magic of this day was watching one of my daughters speak in our ward Sacrament meeting this morning. To see her smiling and teaching the principles that she had let go of not so long ago. Watching my daughter develop her own testimony and belief system over the last little while has given me hope that all my children will be able to overcome the feelings and insecurities they have developed in this process of divorce. My most sincere prayer is that my children may have the opportunity to live healthy lives and have healthy relationships with others. Today was the first time I could see that hope become a possibility.  

Bikes and Blessing

Yesterday was a frustrating day. Trying to fix bikes with random tools and the strength of a weak women is clearly not an idea situation. I don't often give up on anything, but in the overwhelming mess of tools and children I quietly began to sob as I tried my best to put the bike back to the place where I had begun. As we started out on our new nightly route bike ride, I posted on facebook that I needed a guy and tools. My heart aches for a companion and helpmate. I long for someone to love, someone that wants and loves me back.

The Magic of this day is that one of my brothers who I rarely see stopped by to see if another bother was here. On his way in he noticed that my bikes brakes were too loose. I told him I didn't know how to fix it. He offered to do it for me. I told him about Nate's chain and how it kept falling off during our rides. My brother quickly fixed both bikes. As soon as he left I broke into a sobbing thankful mess. I want a husband, instead I got a brother. It was just a simple reminder that my Father in Heaven is mindful of my needs and is taking care of me.

Throughout my life God has not only given me the things I needed but also the things I waned. These wants were not always given in a form that I had expected but in the end they have always fit into my life better than I could have ever imagined. It is all about patients with the Lords timing, faith, and humility to except what the Lord is offering. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who knows me better than I know myself. I am so thankful for the everyday tender mercies He shows me. (facebook post from yesterday)

Sometimes it hard to see the Lords hand in our lives when he is not giving us the exact things we want. Today He gave me the thing I needed. I am humbled and grateful for His ever present hand in my life.